It's one of those days.
One of those days where brutal honesty is all I can do.
One of those days where after "rage bolusing" for an inexplicable high of 373 - I sit and wonder "What am I doing!?"
How did I ever think that I could be a diabetic mom? How did I ever think I could handle the guilt of knowing my high blood sugars make me short tempered and almost unable to handle just about anything? How can I deal with my 4 year old, who is in the stage of asking why a 2.1 million times a day and challenging every bit of authority?
I've talked with so many people who in the course of the conversation where Diabetes comes up - say they couldn't handle it - and I always respond with "Everyone has their 'thing' their thorn, mine just happens to be diabetes." And I stand by it, others have asthma, joint problems, dysfunctional families, poverty, pressures at work, a job they dislike but are stuck in, allergies... what-have-you - every one has their thorn.
But today that thorn in my side feels a bit infected, I'm not handling it. I'm frustrated.
Guilty.
Frustrated.
Fed Up.
Discouraged.
Guilty.
God Grace is sufficient, I know this. Tomorrow is a new day. Yep, it sure is. God is strong when I am not - I know. But right now, I am human. And I hate this.
And Honestly, I hate admitting to these feelings. I much rather keep up the 'strong' 'everything is just GREAT ' face.
Today I can't. It's Reality.
I think a lot of times we don't allow ourselves to feel reality and harbor those feelings until we get crushed by them, I know I do. A lot of times we can't let those feelings out, it's not appropriate or we NEED to just keep functioning despite of the way we feel.
Frankly, I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with either harboring feelings, or letting them out often. I just don't in general. I don't like to feel consumed by feelings of inadequacy so I force myself into a "I can DO this" mentality, which usually works for me... today it doesn't. Today I can't. Today reality is that I am frustrated, I feel guilty as a Diabetic Mom, as a wife... as a human being.
The other side of reality is that today is not lost. I'll now go pick myself up and continue on. Remembering God's Grace IS sufficient, and HE can handle when I cannot.
- bethany
